Beth Stern Has To Use The Bathroom...Oh, And I Believe In Werewolves.

Okay, before I roll into last night’s dream, I have a confession to make: I believe in werewolves. At least I did for a few brief moments.

Sunday night I spent the greater portion of my evening reading (big surprise) about werewolves. What exactly was I reading, you ask? Well, I’m glad you ask. It was the second book, Howling Legion, in Marcus Pelegrimas’ Skinner series. If you recall, I recommended the first one in a previous blog.

Excuse me? You haven’t rushed to your local bookstore and bought that one, yet? You are no friend of mine. Stop reading this and leave.

Actually, don’t. If there’s anything I like more than people following my book recommendations it would be people reading my blog. You can stay…for now.

So. Werewolves. I was reading about werewolves. Mean, viscous, and savage werewolves.

At 11:30pm that night, I was roused awake by my husband.

“Hey, there’s some kind of weird animal outside.”

Oh shit! I thought to myself. The werewolves are here!

But then the haze of drug induced sleep (prescription, guys) cleared and I took comfort in remembering there are no such things as werewolves. Which, actually, is kind of a shame. I mean, I don’t want the savage werewolves. But if they could all look like Hugh Jackman or Joe Manganiello, then it really is kind of a shame they don’t exist. Ladies, am I right? Guys, feel free to cast your vote, too. This is 2011, after all. Don’t be shy.

Okay, enough with the wolves.

Last night I dreamed I was back in high school. Horrible, I know. This dream scenario happens entirely too often for me. But, alas, there I was in high school. I was even wearing torn jeans and a flannel. Oh wait, that came back in style, didn’t it?

Goddamn it. Has it been that long? Sigh.

Anyway, I’m sitting outside of my high school at a picnic table. Howard Stern rolls up on a motorcycle with his lovely wife, Beth. She’s wearing pajamas. Silk pants, matching button down shirt. Howard looks disgusted to be there.

“This is no place for you,” he says to Beth. “Let’s go.”

“But I really have to go to the bathroom,” she pleads.

“I can take you,” I offer, a little too eagerly to look cool. “I mean, the bathrooms are just inside. I can show you.”

“It’ll just take a second,” she assures Howard.

So I take Beth by the hand and we push through the glass double doors. As soon as I’m inside the building, I realize I’ve never, ever seen this place before.

“Um,” I hesitate, looking right and then looking left. I decide the left looks as good as any other direction and tug Beth’s hand. “This way.”

We end up in shop class. Beth trips over some scrap wood on the floor. The entire class laughs. Beth cries. I feel like an asshole. And on top of it all, we never find the stupid bathroom. We just walk a big circle and end up back at the picnic table with Howard.

“What is wrong with you?!” he yells at me. “Don’t you know how mean high school kids can be?”

Actually, I do. But I don’t say this. I just slump to my seat, dejected.

“Damn it,” Howard sighs. “Now you’re making me feel bad. If I let you sit in on a show, will that make you feel better?”

“During cupcake Wednesday?” I lift my head and ask hopefully.

“Sure,” he smiles.

“Deal!”

Hey, listen, can we go back to the thought of werewolves looking like Hugh Jackman or Joe Manganiello…?